reality is: i'm beautiful.

still haven't decided on a name for this series yet.

so we'll switch back and forth until we decide.

me, that is.

unless of course you have an opinion you'd like to share with the class?

(but in a good way, not like the way your teacher made you tell your secrets out loud)

okay, but for reals, here she is.  the beautiful, the talented, the swimmer that just shaved a minute off of her time, the absolutely stunning.

SABRINA.

seriously though, can you even handle that smile?  those eyes?  that beauty?  it's ridiculous, really.  and its also the reason I asked her if she'd be part of this series.

Sabrina is a senior and swimming her little heart out right now on the swim team for her school. photographing beauty has never been so easy.

I thought at first I would get to know them, or have people nominate who would be next on the series (which may still happen), but I thought it would be more meaningful, more REAL, for the beauties that I photograph to discover for themselves what makes them beautiful.  wouldn't that change so much about how we feel about ourselves?  if we just spent some time each day thinking about what makes us beautiful?

so without further ado, meet the wonderful Sabrina.

well.... What I love about myself is that Im positive and love to smile. I have learned that the more you smile the more you can shine and help others day by just smiling at them. I laugh at anything at any moment (my friends make fun, but I know thats why they love me) and I just love that Im happy! It took a long time to figure out how much of a beautiful person I am, and everyone who is around me. Heavenly Father - I believe - helped a lot and because of Him I am this person today... trials and hardship he gave unto me because I know he loves me, and because of that Im beautiful. 

What makes me REAL is that Im responsible (I know... borriinnnggg) but I am totally mature - 60% of the time... gotta leave some room for sooommmeee immaturity! Also, I know whats around me, my surrounds are always in my peripheral. Im not naive... my spirit has grown so much in these last 5 years, and I know that with these experiences Im supposed to help others; thats why I want to be a nurse but its also what makes me an easy-going friend. 

MY WEAKNESSES!!!!! Im quite emotional haha but seriously... I am the world worst direction giver ever! No one listens to me anymore because of it. I have had tooo many incidents where I have given the wrong directions but swear up and down that they are right. So now when I tell someone to go left, they will go right. 

Blonde Moments aka Sabrina Moments as my friends might say!

To explain further.... On day in history class we were watching a video of the settlers here in America. On the screen it says, "10,000 bison roam free," and they show the image of these animals running across the plains. I lean over to my friend, Trenton, and ask, "They're extinct... right?" He gives me the weirdest look and answers back, "No, buffalo still exist." My smart little self tells him they arent talking about buffalo... He just laughs and says "Ohhhh Sabrina". 

Now that Im in swim... When I get home I mostly sleep or finish up with homework or even read a book. But I love to draw and hair and stuff (girlie things haha) Im just a multi-colorful person inside and out!

thank you sabrina!

this is seriously the best.

reality is: I'm loving my new hobby.

I found this photographer the other day and her philosophy really rang true to me.  this is absolutely, positively, what I want to capture in my photographs.

{via tarawhitney.com}

so here's a few that are spot on with each personality.

 (my amazing sister edited this one.  she also featured me 

yesterday on her blog.  check her out here.)

I'm pretty downright pleased.
(I speak in a southern accent when I get excited)

if you want christmas photos of your family wrangling a cow or flying in your swim goggles, I'm your girl.

also! more photos on my pinterest page.  check them out here.

making me one of these

I love pinterest.  its such a great place to organize my likes.  and its where I found this quote.  and I've found it is such a great place to put this quote to the test and find balance.  otherwise it would take over my life.  but really, its such a great place to find what you love, put it all in one place, and then sit back and discover what you are drawn to.  for me, its shingles on houses, white interiors, everyday photos of families, siding, and green.  lots and lots of green (meaning plants).  I'd live in a jungle if I could.

what do you think about this quote?  possible?  do you think your thoughts and actions change if you slowed down enough to do these things daily?  I especially like the setting the timer one.  this is so genius.  such a great way to have something visual/audible to help me focus on one thing at a time.

I know, I'm the worst blogger ever.

so where I am lacking in consistency I'll make up for in length today.

my apologies.

there's something magical about the beach in San Diego.  something miraculous.  something that happens when you're sitting there with the sand and the waves and the sounds and the kids and the laughter and the breeze.  Combined they cause an unnoticed spiritual combustion that brings the heavens closer and God whispers in your ear.

because of this spiritual combustion I discovered a few things while basking in the sun shade.

I'm a blue-yellow.  mostly blue.  which makes me a do-gooder.  this means that I had to admit to being needy, emotional, self-critical, overly sensitive, unforgiving and that spontaneity makes me stressed.  Ouch.  But it also meant I can be a great teacher.  and that I have a deep sense of purpose and that I am genuinely concerned for the well-being of others.

I like taking pictures of everyday things.  I love capturing the routine.  the face the beav ALWAYS makes when I ask him where his ball is, or the look he gives hubs when he sees him walk through the door after work.  or after going outside for 5 seconds.  the stuff that only gets caught if someone has their phone out.  If I could (and it wasn't creepy) I would follow people around for a week and capture the moments they never want to forget but pass without permission.

the beav is huge.  he does a lot less yelling (his preferred method of communication), and does a lot more signing and lets out a high pitched doh! to show you what he wants or which direction he wants you to carry him.  he wants to be held less and wants to explore more.  he learned to walk a couple weeks ago and has been running ever since.  and I already miss the carrying and the soothing and even the yelling.

my skin takes approximately three days to breakout in a new climate and approximately 3 weeks to recover when returning to its natural habitat.

I like the way my hair feels when it dries by the ocean.  salty and always moist so my waves have a bit of a chance to show off.

my family (me especially) is not perfect.  we have so much fun together and when I'm with them I feel like a piece of my heart has been found that I didn't know was missing.  but we (meaning ALL of us) have issues and struggles that we deal with daily.  and sometimes they are serious.  and sometimes life threatening.  and heart breaking.  and annoying.  and selfish.  and expensive.  and earth shattering.

but I also discovered that everything always turns out wonderful, no matter how imperfect those everythings are.  the way my brother never takes for granted fatherhood.  that I still haven't relapsed in 3.5 years.  that my sister is still the most loving, trusting mom I've ever known.  that we show up every year on that beach together and we still laugh and have dance parties and buy rip-off sunglasses and make 50 trips to the grocery store and bike down the boardwalk.  and watch the boys surf.  and look at my dad and smile that he's still got it at 60.  

so AMEN Annette.

most amazing beach post here.  my family seriously rocks.

a wish so quickly granted

the hubs took the beav to a father and sons camping trip tonight, which leaves me with more alone time than I've had for approximately a year.


I decided to spend it working on the clutch I promised to give away to one of you, and quickly realized I was trying to follow 8 different tutorials all at the same time and that I was in deeper than I thought.  so I drove home and resolved to ask my dear neighbor for help tomorrow.  I got home and plopped down at the computer trying to find these somewhere online for a heck of a lot cheaper.  and next I'll watch three episodes of the cosby show and smile the whole way through each one.  then I'll wake up tomorrow, bright and early, and go to yoga, and stay there as long as I want, first practicing, then learning from other teachers.


well, that is, I'll stay until I realize that my boys are on their way home, and then I'll throw my mat back in my car and drive my sweaty self home and get home just in time to give them the biggest smooches of their lives.  then I'll go buy turkey burgers for the grill.  then I'll swing off the rope swing into the water {intentionally this time}, watch the beav splash around in the water with one hand whilst the other is clinging to his dads (bulging) bicep for dear life.  then we'll clean up, say goodbye to my brother-in-law and then, after all slows down, we all take nice long naps, and I mentally prepare myself for my BEAST of a sunday school class MAYBE, just maybe, I'll shower.

ready, set, notice: Danielle Oakey Interiors

Today we'll hear from Danielle from Danielle Oakey Interiors.  Danielle is the wife of a second year medical student, mother to an beautiful, just-turned-3 year old little girl.  She spends her days blogging on her most popular design blog, and my personal favorite, showing us how do-it-yourself projects are completely do-able. 

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I am a planner. I love lists. I plan when I clean, eat, blog, design, cook, grocery shop, get ready, exercise, and play. Weird? Definitely.

I thrive off of being busy. It seems like my “lists” always have a million to-dos on them. Maybe it’s because I like the feeling of being “needed” for purposes other than being a mom. The hard part, how do I do it all and still be a good mom? This is such a tricky balance.

Luckily this assignment came at a perfect time for me…

Last week I sat down at the computer mid-afternoon to try and get some design work done. Emory was less than thrilled. She was climbing all over me, pulling me hair, and essentially begging for attention. My frustration levels started to rise, why wouldn’t she just let me get a little bit of work done? Just when I was at my breaking point I realized, I was at fault. My sweet 2-year-old girl just wanted me to play with her.

We spent the next half-hour chasing each other through our small condo. Back and forth we ran, taking turns running and hiding. Her contagious giggle had us both almost in tears. She loved every minute of it and so did I.

This experience has been stuck in my mind since that day. Emory is one of the most important things in my life, so why doesn’t she even make my list? I can’t remember the last time I scheduled “play with Emory” time. Will I now? Absolutely.

I attended a conference a couple years ago focusing on the challenges of being a stay-at-home mom. Many of the women speaking were independent, confident, and previously very successful before retiring their careers to be stay-at-home moms. An older lady, and alumni from Harvard, directed her speech on the importance on not being too busy. She noted, a stay-at-home mom only counts if you actually stay-at-home. I think this concept applies to all areas of life. It is so important not to overbook yourself or you WILL miss out on noticing the important things in life, like a genuine afternoon laugh with the wee one!

Thanks for coming by Danielle! Don’t forget to check out her blog for today’s latest and greatest in design.  My latest fave?  this one- it's Danielle's blog perfectly summarized in 4 beautiful pictures.

ready, set, notice: where i am

Good morning!  Today we're lucky enough to learn from one of the coolest people I know.  Natalie is just making the transition into a family of FIVE kids with one little boy just weeks old.  her husband is a busy busy financial advisor, and leaving for work before the kids wake up and coming home well after the kids are in bed is not a rarity.  she just survived the dreaded school science fair, she's always working on new home makeover project, and yes, she cans her own poultry.  see the picture below if you don't believe me.  if you missed her profile, get to know her a little more by clicking here. Here's what happened when she stepped away from canning and noticed.

(picture provided, without permission, by where i am)

There’s a voice that has moved into my head.  He’s pulled up a chair, grabbed himself a snack and decided to set up camp.  Permanently.  In fact, when Remi gave me the task of ‘noticing’ he started speaking to me more loudly and clearly than he ever has before.  He’s not a voice that I like to listen to but he’s just so loud and obnoxious.  When he is yelling at me he talks with his mouth full, he burps, he farts, and if I could see him, I bet he would have moles all over his hairy back and sweat a lot when he sleeps.  All of those things would be forgivable if his intentions weren’t to be destructive to my soul.  But they are.  And in my assignment to simply notice, I came to know his intentions all too well.

When I embarked on my task of noticing I was excited to see what would show up.  What things would pop out from right under my nose that I could come to love and appreciate even deeper or possibly for the first time. I looked at nature.  Didn’t notice anything different.  Looked at people.  Didn’t notice anything different.  Looked at concepts and tried to conform them into an ‘experience’.  Nada.  Then I looked at myself and the Voice helped me notice plenty.  Plenty of things that I needed to work on.  (yikes!)  As the week progressed he helped me ‘notice’ that I wasn’t enough.  Wasn’t grateful enough.  Wasn’t proficient enough.  Wasn’t keeping up on the laundry enough.  Wasn’t meeting my children’s needs enough.  Wasn’t giving our pet chinchilla enough attention.  I wasn’t skinny enough or pretty enough.  Wasn’t being a good enough friend.  Wasn’t fun enough.  Wasn’t smart enough. Wasn’t being a good enough daughter or sister.  Wasn’t making dinner enough.  Wasn’t grocery shopping enough.  Wasn’t being kind enough to my husband.  The signs were everywhere.  I wasn’t enough.  I just wasn’t.  (enough doesn’t sound or look like a real word when you say/type it a whole bunch of times)  Well, thanks to the Voice I realized that this task of writing about the things I came to notice would be easy.  The voice would write it for me and it would go like this:  “I suck. The end.”  I didn’t have to write anything.  No editing.  No worrying about what I just revealed about myself to the cyber world.  Easy enough.  This voice takes such good care of me that way.

But then another voice started showing up.  The Opposition.  Because I do believe that there is that:  Opposition in all things.  And the opposition: the Opponent, the Challenger, started showing me some things to take note of: to challenge.  And this Voice showed me things in the gentlest of ways.  It didn’t burp at me, yell at me, or sweat in my bed.  It was beautiful, calm, piercing and I knew that what it was teaching me was true.  It didn’t hunker down in my head and stay there.  It eased into my blood and flowed through the deepest parts of Me.  Warming me until I knew that this Voice was the one that I needed to pay attention to, even if it was so much quieter than the voice I had given away my power to all week long.

I was driving to the store late one night.  It was the first time I had left my new baby and was alone.  I was exhausted from the lack of sleep combined with the new, tricky transition into life with 5 children.  I was in pajamas (from the night before), wearing a spit up stained t-shirt, and bandana on my head to cover up my greasy hair.  (You can imagine the hay-day the voice in my head was having with me.) I was listening to a talk on the radio and heard a story recounted.  My Soul Voice quietly told me to listen up because there was a message in it just for me.

It was a true story of a jumbo jet that crashed over the Everglades 36 years ago.  The interesting thing about this story is that the plane could have landed safely in Miami, just over 20 miles away.  But during the final descent of the flight, the crew noticed that a little green light failed to illuminate. The light indicated whether the nose landing gear had successfully extended.  The pilots decided to investigate the lights failure and put the plane in a holding pattern and circled above the Everglades.  All of the crew members were so distracted by the examination of the little green light that no one noticed that the plane had begun to descend until it was too late.  The plane crashed into the swamp below and over one hundred people lost their lives.  Investigators determined that the plane was in perfect mechanical condition at the time of the crash.  The nose landing gear was functioning properly that night.  The problem:  one tiny, burned out, green light bulb.  

When I heard that story I couldn’t help but think about how I had been feeling.  I realized that by listening to the voice in my head telling me over and over that I wasn’t enough, I was focusing on my little green light bulb; my flaws.  If this pattern of thinking continued what would be my demise?  Not the swampy everglades but feeling like a wreck of a mother to my five beautiful children who need me to be happy.  Who need me to love me.  Who need me to lead them by being an example of strength, dignity, grace and joy.  If I kept listening I wouldn’t be letting the voice ruin just me, but all of them too.  The price is too high to give him any more attention.

The next day, I read a blog post written by one of my friends.  I’m sure to her it was just a quick vent to acknowledge and record her day.  But my Soul voice told me to pay attention so I did.  Her post read:

Today I was mean and grumpy and irritable and fed-up (when I wasn't being long-suffering, encouraging, patient, and attentive, because let's be honest, there was some of that, too) and I kept thinking about what Diana used to say all the time to her sister Eliza when they were growing up: "I love you, but I don't like you." Mostly directed (but not spoken aloud) to my kids. 

Here's hoping for a new week filled with liking my cheerful, non-teething, obedient, loving, neat and responsible children! 

When I read that post it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Mr. Moley-back voice said ‘you don’t like your kids either.  You were mean, grumpy, fed up and irritable too.’  But after I told him to quiet himself, I Listened and Saw what I was Supposed to see.  “…when I wasn’t being long-suffering, encouraging, patient and attentive…”  I was those things sometimes too.  When my friend acknowledged her strengths she wasn’t bragging or staking her claim on having perfection all figured out.  Nope, she was just saying ‘I’m not so bad.’  She was listening to her Soul voice, the one who tells her who she truly is.  It made me realize that there wasn’t any harm in acknowledging that in myself too.  I’m okay.  At least parts of me are enough.  

My Soul voice has gently, but pointedly, spoken to me many, many more times this week, each time teaching me to pay attention to the good in me.  Once while watching Little Women, many times while parenting my babies, many other times in being a wife and a friend and a daughter and a sister, sometimes while listening to the radio.  I’m happy to report that the obnoxious houseguest in my head has quieted himself now.  At times he stands at the window knocking and I ask him if he has anything constructive to tell me.  He usually sulks away silent.  He’s becoming more obedient when I tell him to shush.  He knows that my Soul Voice has moved in to stay and she likes to keep a clean house.  And he’s not welcome in her domain. 

So what did I ‘notice’ after all?  That I am hopelessly flawed.  I always will be.  But it is my flaws, my scars, my imperfections mixed together with my kindness, beauty, and amazing sense of humor (it’s true, ask my husband.  I’m one funny lady) that make up the whole of me.  My unique blend of imperfection always leaves room for unwanted house guests to move into my head and set up shop.  It’s my sacred job as a woman, as a human being, as a spiritual being to stop it before it taints my Soul.  You know what else I noticed?  That I am enough.  Being enough doesn’t equate to perfection or that mean that I have overcome all of my weaknesses or don’t have room to grow and improve every moment of every day.  But that my Soul Voice is right, I’m not so bad after all.

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didn't I tell you she is a delight?  and I'm here to second the motion by Natalie's husband that she is indeed, one funny lady.  

thanks Natalie!

c’mon, just do it.  It feels amazing.

I actually just love when they ask you to do that during a yoga class.  its my favorite.

so I’ve been thinking about how badly I want a new camera.  Oh the things I could do (and NOTICE!) with a new camera!  I could take a picture of my sweet husband mowing the lawn with The Beav in his arms (who keeps throwing off the hat I forced on his head).   I could capture what it feels like to live here, amongst the citrus trees, in the middle of {what seems like} nowhere.  I could take a delicious picture of the best cookie in the world, the recipe my sister and I discovered after much trial and error.  we could finally launch our cookie website.  I could take bazillions of pictures of The Beav’s chicklets with a inch gap between them, and the damage they've caused to my furniture.  I could put to use my birthday gift from my husband ( a photography class I’ve been dying to take!)  I could show you the DIY laquer desk I just finished.  I could be less mysterious and actually dress up this blog with a photo or two.

but best of all, I feel like getting a camera would help me to stop. slow down. to notice. to just be.  to breathe.

speaking of noticing, I’m in the process of a new blog series.  I hope its inspiring.  the purpose is to grab people from all walks of life and have them guest blog on what they discovered given the very assignment that helped me become a more healthy, more grateful person.  hopefully this series will help us realize that no matter where we are in life, there is always time to take care of ourselves.

stay tuned, you won’t want to miss it!

why I love assignments

When I walked out of my first appointment with a counselor, I had dried tears on my cheeks, hope for the first time, and one assignment to hold me over until later that week.

notice.

I won't get into how a perfectionist takes an assignment like this,  because heaven forbid I do this first assignment wrong!  my counselor assured me that doing this assignment wrong was quite impossible.

so I went about my assignment. I went on walks, went to a yoga class, went on a hike up my favorite little mountain, sat outside alone on the front lawn.  

the first thing I noticed was the feeling of winter grass tickling my fingertips. and I sat there and noticed where my bum got wet first as the moisture from the morning watering seeped through.  and I noticed that I didn’t remember the last time I sat on the grass and thought about the grass.  Or stood at the top of my mountain and counted the palm trees, or listened to myself breathe lying on a mat, or discovered which one of the trees around the park I thought was the most beautiful, and then noticed why.  

it was an ash.  to me it looked like a giant blooming rose.  it wasn’t symmetrical, it wasn’t the fullest or tallest or greenest.  It was what it was, and it kept growing anyway.

if 100 people walk around that same park, and pick the most beautiful tree, most of them wouldn’t pick my tree.  maybe none of them would.  that’s the thing about beauty.  it’s relative.

don’t we also have that same purpose in this existence?  to be exactly who we are, making everything else beautiful around us simply because we are here?  making our families more complete, more happy, more loving, more silly?

noticing became one of my favorite things to do.  and that’s why I like assignments.  and knitting.  and baking. and going to Whitfill Nursery by myself and looking at all the plants (and buying them).  and farmer’s markets.  and reading a good book. 

my next assignment?  buy a camera.  document the fact that you exist and so does your husband and child.