Wednesday, March 23, 2011

something funny: kissing

I was driving to my parents house this weekend and on the way I passed by my old elementary school.   I miss the innocence of elementary school.  As I passed, I thought I saw my best friend and myself sitting on the curb by the bike locks talking about kissing.  It was shortly after our freshman year began, and she took me there to tell me she had had her first REAL kiss.  in the field just behind the school.
I tried not to be jealous.  I asked her if it was sooooo weird.
and she told me it was.  but that she was totally a natural,  all you did was wiggle your tongue around.  
I practiced, mouth closed, wiggling my tongue around every day for the next two years.  I was a natural too.
and then she asked when I thought my first REAL kiss would be.  that might have been right after she told me my eyes were close together.
and then we vanished as I passed that bike lock area in my car and drove down the street toward my house.  as I drove, I thought I saw myself and her, walking side by side with keychains weighing down our backpack zippers and clinking together with each step on our way home from school.  our favorite car was a geo tracker.  for our sixteenth birthday we were going to get matching ones, hers would be hot pink, mine hot purple.  and they would have a big flower painted on the back in the alternate color.  
I didn't get my first kiss until the summer going into my junior year because I never got my purple geo tracker.  thanks mom and dad, for ruining my life.
but that friendship is for another day, another post titled: Something Sad: losing a best friend to drugs.  

I hate drugs.  
as awkward as first kisses are, I fear I’m more awkward (and much less a natural) at greeting kisses.  ever since the first awkward time it happened, I wanted to be a greeting kisser.  but its just so foreign to me that usually they end up kissing my ear (which makes for different awkwardness) because I move in too quickly and my chin has arrived at their shoulder before they’ve had a chance to get to my cheek, or we bump because they see they have to move quicker as I realize what they’re doing and I move back quickly to try to act like I didn’t forget, or best case scenario, I end up just making the “muah!” sound as I press my cheek to theirs.  there’s the trick, my friends.  no matter what you do, just make the muah sound.  they totally think you kissed them and all awkwardness is averted.  I’ll tell you I forgot this little trick while meeting Cole’s clients last week.  maybe he kissed my ear after I offered only a formal handshake, and maybe she made the muah sound because I moved too fast.
so there you have it, your lesson for today.  for those of you who have yet to have your first kiss, just wiggle your tongue wildly back and forth all day for the next few hours, days, years (however long it takes).  and for those of you who are used to a handshake, remember to muah when they kiss your ear.


  1. I find that your eyes are an agreeable distance apart.

    Oh! And Sunday evening I went out to dinner with Michael's friend in town, who had a British friend along with him. At the end of the night we were all saying goodbye and I was talking when the British friend moved in to give me what I thought to be a hug goodbye. So I kept talking, but then he kissed my cheek. NBD, but then he swooped around and kissed my OTHER cheek. All while I was still talking, but had probably started babbling nonsense because I realized how awkward I was being. I realize now that there was actually a moment when our noses were inches from each others' and I was still jabbering away. I didn't even make the MUAH sound! The shame!

  2. Please make your script a bit larger for these old eyes to read. Sorry about ruining your life and all but I was worried about the resale on that purple geo tracker.

  3. You can still get a Tracker Rem. It probably won't pass inspection, but you'd have one!